Bahubali-hoo: Random Thoughts on Bahubali

Why random thoughts? Simbly.

Why not a proper review, or even a meview, of India’s highest costing and biggest grossing movie? No.

No? No.

Only “random thoughts” for the latest retelling/mashup/hybrid of all the Indian epics and myths? Exactly.

Begin random thoughts…

CG can solve all water problems in India, or at least in ancient India. Check out that elixir flowing and flowing and flowing from those waterfalls and waterfalls and waterfalls…

Ah, water, and soon after, heroine debut shot in white. Clever Rajamouli. Some things in Indian movies never change, no matter which side of the Vindhyas.

Tamannah in Bahubali

Man, so many shots of Tamannah’s navel. See why Rajamouli took her. Maybe he should later make a separate movie on Avantika, the warrior princess (the character played by Tamannah), and call it… Bahubelly.

How come so many shots of Tamannah’s tummy? Isn’t she a warrior princess and thus robed rough? She is, but then Prabhas/Bahubali discovers her mask, then her, then her warrior attire, then her “womanly” clothes underneath that attire, then… Wait, this is only a U/A movie. Naughty Bahubali. Naughtier Rajamouli.

So, is Tamannah’s role all about her upper nether region? No, she is also shown running from her captors. They shouldn’t have done that. She looks funny doing that. She should have stuck to white, water, navel. Ambitious Rajamouli.

Hey, isn’t the movie about Bahubali and Prabhas? Oh, yeah. Distracted Irfan.

So, Prabhas at the beginning is shown barechested – abs, water, and all. Now, movies have started objectifying men too.

And those abs are what he spent three years for? He should have just done them on CG. Oh, maybe he did.

Before Bahubali: Prabhas who? After Bahubali: Prabhahubali.

So… Anushka plays a hag. And… Tamannah wears a rag.

Prabhas, as both the Bahubalis (what, you didn’t know?), gets to be with both the above. What a jag.

Wait, doesn’t the movie star Rana Duggu… Dugga… Daggubatti too? It does. But he’s so tall, he doesn’t fit in the screen. Oh, wait, that was his statue. No, wait, that was actually him.

Also, he mostly snarls, snorts, and grimaces. So much so you think he’s one of the animals.

Speaking of which, most shots that feature an animal have a “CGI” disclaimer appearing whenever an animal is shown getting hurt or killed. Most, not all. I distinctly remember that horse that is pushed, that elephant that falls, that black mass that is hit by a globular stone… Sorry, that last is the rival king.

‘So, did PETA review this film?’ ‘What is it doing about it?’ ‘Maybe I should do something about it?’ ‘This “No animals were hurt in the making of this film” disclaimer is turning out to be worth poo cents.’ Oh, two more reels have passed. Oh, the war is still on. Ok, nothing missed.

The rival army (Kalakeyas) speaks a tongue (Kilikili, kid you not) that’s a mix of gibberish, baby talk, and I swear you, English. Am pretty sure I could make out words like ‘shutter’.

And they speak so s-l-o-w. Or was that just bad dubbing?

So then, the movie has actually released in six languages: Telugu, Tamil, Malayalam, Hindi, French, and Kilikili.

The movie’s going to sweep all the awards next year. (Big, successful movies do that. Some things don’t change about Indian movies, no matter which side of the Vindhyas.) Prabhas. Rana. Ramya. Sathyaraj. And CG as best actor.

There’s a scene in a tavern, where Prabhas and Rana go to apprehend a spy, where Rajamouli plays the tavern-keeper. At the end of his scene, he is shown pocketing tons and tons of gold coins. Prophetic Rajamouli.

Bahubali cartoon 2

In the same tavern, a bit later, there’s a song where three white, reed-thin women are shown gyrating around Prabhas. They seem straight out of a B-grade movie. A B-grade Egyptian movie. Couldn’t Rajamouli have done better for an item song? Ah, he had already pocketed the money by then.

On a less flippant note…

For people north of the Vindhyas oohing-aahing-FBing-tweeting-blogging about the meganess of Bahubali, you need to know that all Telugu movies are this wild, or at least aim to be. Check out Indra the Tiger (starring Chiranjeevi and Sonali Bendre). And Rajamouli’s earlier Eega, which was about – hold your collective breath – a man killed and then reborn as… a housefly (‘eega’ in Telugu) and then going after the man who killed him. Oh, passed out? Spot, get some of that CG water…

Seriously, Rajamouli maxed imagination and bigness with Eega. This one is just… Bahumouli.

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2 thoughts on “Bahubali-hoo: Random Thoughts on Bahubali

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